The Weighty Issue

Published GALWAYnow, LIMERICKnow and CORKnow Magazines
September 2008

Our bodies have been with us since the beginning of our existence - they’ve gone from the gorgeous childish chub to the little girl leanness to the 15-year-old puppy fat stage. They’ve taken us through our hedonistic twenties, borne kids, given us pleasure, comfort, satisfaction. So why is it that so many women have so little love, so little compassion, for the only body we’ll ever have? Jo Lavelle investigates.

Looking good is important to the majority of us; we want to look good, we want to be attractive, desirable. And while we might allow ourselves to feel nice when we’ve lost a couple of pounds, when we’re wearing a cute dress, and when we’ve been ‘good’ that week, what about the other six days of the week when we just feel like ourselves?

So many women view their bodies as the enemy; something they’re constantly trying to control, contain, repel. We scold our bodies for being rounded, our thighs for having cellulite, our breasts for being too big/too small. When we’re not feeling great about ourselves, we stuff ourselves with ‘bad’ food (for a ‘bad’ body), as if we weren’t feeling bad enough. We punish ourselves with unrealistic goals and punish ourselves when we don’t achieve them.

I’m generalising, but there is not one woman I know who believes, or who will admit, that she is happy with herself, her shape, her body. It’s easy to blame society, or the media, or men for women’s warped view of their bodies, but is it not our own responsibility to take the power back?

Views of what constitutes a good body has undoubtedly changed from the curvaceousness that was cherished in the 50s, to the lean and mean which is now revered over the more meaty among us. Something else that was accepted as the norm in the 60s and 70s were little bellies and cellulite (think a scantily-clad Barbara Windsor jiggling about the place in the Carry On movies). Not much of a chance these days of seeing a woman with such credentials finding her way onto the small screen as a desirable woman in today’s anti-cellulite society. But when the reality is that most women look more like this, why can’t we just accept the things we can’t change and change the things we can?

Let’s face it - being obesely overweight has never been attractive. Flab has never been attractive. And why should it be? It’s unsightly, unhealthy, and it’s covering up your true form. But that’s another issue - just where do you draw the line between curvy and overweight? I’ve asked numerous guys to comment on this issue and they all seem to differ hugely in what they consider to be curvy. One particular guy I asked seemed to balk at the word ‘curvy’, saying it’s just a pretty word for being fat. When I asked him to define fat, I think ‘rolls’ were mentioned, so I’m guessing he had a large lady in mind, and that wasn’t to his taste. Others think that curvy is slim, but not skeletal. But men, like us, like aesthetically pleasing bodies; they don’t have to be tiny, just healthy looking and relatively firm. And while it can be quite a depressing thought, that’s life, who said it was fair?

Where men are concerned, it’s all too easy to look around and see our men dribbling over a picture of a stunning stick thin model, feel inadequate, and instantly want to lose a stone . But the model probably walked onto the shoot looking pale and pasty and about as sexy as a toad - that’s real life. Welcome on stage the make-up artists, lots of tan, lighting, hours of touching up. And then of course there’s the airbrushing, which, believe me, can work wonders. And what have you got? An illusion. Most men worth their salt will know that. And we all like to dream. We women are just as guilty of dreaming; it’s just that we might not be as obvious when checking out a hot guy.

In reality, real men love real women. They just love women, and everything that comes with that. Most men find confident women appealing, especially those who are also confident about their bodies, and all the little imperfections. I remember an ex of mine saying he loved a certain part of my body, because I loved it myself. It was the first time I had any awareness that confidence inspires confidence. Do you ever notice how if you are feeling particularly attractive and loving yourself, or indeed, a particularly part of your body and your partner just can’t keep his hands to himself?  - the power of self-love. Or what about those times when you’re feeling particularly unattractive and your repellent attitude is somehow transferred onto your partner?

So many women I know are on a constant battle to lose weight, and out of all of them, I can’t ever recall even one woman saying, ‘I’m happy; I’ve reached my goal, now I can just focus on other, more important things’. Just how long does this self-punishment go on for, till you’re 40, 50, 60?

I recently found an old diary from when I was 14 or 15 and with each entry, there was a little mark at the top of each page with a different weight goal on each entry. As I was documenting my weight, how much I had to loose, how long it would take me to loose it, I would also discuss with myself how great I would feel, how happy I would be, when I reached my goal. But it hadn’t started there either; I remember, at 12 years old, eating nothing but rivita and apples because I desperately wanted to be 7 ½ stone. That was in the 80s; there’s a lot more pressure today.

I’ve never really been overweight by more than say half a stone, but there’s never been a time in my life, since I became aware of my body, that I’ve been completely happy with it, even when I’m at my ideal weight. Like most other women, I feel I  could always look better, be thinner, be more toned.

Really, in a perfect world, we would look after ourselves, accept and love the way we are, enjoy life, enjoy our bodies, and just stop obsessing…what will it take for women to make peace with the female form?